haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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