From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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