Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
