He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The air was thick with penises
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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