It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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