You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
