yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
