I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
