I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
