D3 body, D1 cock
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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