I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
3 2 1 whiskey
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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