I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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