i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
