I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
