I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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