If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
