My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize