If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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