I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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