THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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