I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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