his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
