if you like me you must not know who I am
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
