i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
