i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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