Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
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She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
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Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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