Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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