the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
