sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
