It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Who died my cat blue again?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
