I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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