Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
