just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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