last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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