she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?