When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
