I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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