i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
