so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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