ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
