and you said cock pushups were impossible
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
