Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Less talking, more tequila
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
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