I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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