how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
