I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
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Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
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Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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