??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My feet surprised me
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