Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
