I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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