Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
