Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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