i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
