my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
