Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
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