I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
