if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
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I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
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Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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