on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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