Where is the hickey?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
