Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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